Two men claim to be in love with me. Both have great personalities and are quite attractive. They want me to choose between them. How do I know which one I should pick?

Z: When I’m faced with these dilemmas (which is often), I have a checklist of attributes I look for. To make them easier to remember, I use the catchy acronym PENIS. Here’s the breakdown:

Penis

Excellence in bed

Nice to look at

Is going to be a good sugar daddy

Sucks on my toes

Depending on the category, I grade on a scale of 1-10 or yes/no. For some (see P and S) I use both the 1-10 and yes/no grading rubrics. Hope this helps.

L: this problem really pulls on the heart strings. because i can’t get any guys to like me without tricking them, much less two at the same time, i don’t have much to offer. zach on the other hand has more experience with this problem. i would suggest picking the guy without stds and male pattern baldness, but i wouldn’t stop sleeping with either of them.

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All dogs go to heaven

Problem: i cant look my dog in the eyes without peering into his soul.. what do you do when your life partner is a canine? is marriage an option?

L and Z: are you a dog as well?

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Our first question

Dear Laura and Zach,

I really like this girl. She really likes me too, but she recently found out  was having sex with her mother for a whole summer. Now she won’t talk to me and her parents are marrying her off to some douchebag. What do I do? Thanks!

Z: Your first problem is your commitment level. You “like” this girl? Is it the 4th grade still? “Liking” a girl isn’t going to get you anywhere. The key to a girl’s heart is obsession. The more you stand outside her house with her name written in blood on your naked chest, the better.

Do you really think she’s being forced to marry this guy? Like last time I checked most of us don’t bide by a caste system, and unless she’s the princess of Estonia or something, her forced marriage story is just her way of telling you that you’re an asshole. My guess is that she’s probably just a little miffed that you spent the summer smashing her mom around the pool while she interned at her dad’s accounting firm.

In general, I think your concerns are misguided. Douchebag is a relative term, and you’ve probably got this guy topped, unless he’s been getting it in with mom when you called in sick. It’s time for a little introspection: you’re the douchebag.

Cut your losses. And find out what her mom is up to this weekend.

L: First off, mom sex…kudos
options:
1. convince the parents to be swingers
2. get the mom pregnant
3. get daughter pregnant
4. conduct a herpes conspiracy
5. arranged marriages? move somewhere that isn’t a caste system
6. go to taco bell and order a crunchwrap supreme, no tomatoes

god speed.

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