My sister’s boyfriend is celebrating Christmas with our family. Am I supposed to get him a present? Any suggestions?

December 13, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: Kelly, if you’re reading this, don’t get me anything. I can’t imagine that you are reading this though, since you have several crucial things that I don’t, namely taste, a career, and your priorities straight. Although I did accidentally throw my wallet away yesterday, so I wouldn’t say no to a replacement. Actually, forget the wallet. I’m most upset about the $10 Coldstone gift card that was in it (RIP). Not asking; just saying.

Anyways, you don’t need to get him anything. It just isn’t necessary. But I still thought long and hard about the perfect gift for your future brother-in-law while I sat at the MVA waiting to get a new license today. While doing so, I had the privilege of watching a man eat his boogers, and another woman braid her husband’s and son’s ponytails. And then it hit me: Plan B. It’s the best gift ever! If you like the guy and if he’s cool, he’ll appreciate the humor and the safety valve you’ve given him in case  they’re afraid that their champagne and tequila fueled post-New Year’s accident created another accident. And if you don’t like him (or, more likely, if you don’t like your sister), include a handwritten note that says, “Trust me – with her desperate desire to mother a child, undiagnosed schizophrenia, and out of control secret heroin addiction, you’re going to want this. Merry Christmas!”

No need to thank me. I’m in the giving spirit.

P.S. On an unrelated note, I heard what I think was pound for pound the worst Christmas song known to humanity while I was at the MVA. How bad? It rhymed “under the Christmas tree” with “we’ll all get matching capris”. I just needed to share this. If you can figure out who sang this, I would also include it in the pool of potential gifts for your sister’s boyfriend. For reference, it sounded like it could be Taylor Swift’s inbred aunt (so maybe Reba McEntire?).

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Lately I’ve had a very strong urge to get pregnant and have a baby but logically I know this would be a bad time for me to raise a child. Should I suppress this urge or act on it? And if I should suppress it then how would I go about doing that?

October 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: Perhaps I’m too young and male to provide sound advice, but I just don’t think it’s ever a good time to have a baby. Babies are living, breathing garbage disposals full of poop and breast milk who devour your money and dreams (if you the reader have a child, pretend you didn’t read that. I’m sure your child is great.) Much like pyramid schemes, they will inevitably leave you emotionally and financially destitute. Why I wasn’t aborted, I’ll never know. Big ups though, mom and dad.

If you need help suppressing your (in my opinion) irrational desire to procreate and experience the joys of raising a child, make a list of your future plans and the things you like to do. Then laugh/cry bitterly, cross everything out, and write new and improved baby plans.

1. Travel extensively throughout the world
2. Vacation in exotic places
3. Go on fun dates and have a vibrant social life

1. Take the family to Grandma’s house
2. Take the family to Grandma’s house
3. Take the family to Grandma’s house

Do you see a pattern?

Maybe I’m just too self-centered and shallow (I am).  Have a baby if you want to. I don’t recommend it, but who am I to tell you otherwise? Here, I’ll even help you think of a name. How about Ponzi?

L: In the words of my gynecologist, “Babies are not the answer, but Xanax sure as hell is.”

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I’m in desperate need of your advice that will greatly impact the future of my dearly beloved child. What Halloween costume from this list should we dress ze up as?

October 25, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: And the debate over Halloween costumes for babies rages on. Personally, I don’t see much of a difference between this argument and the disagreement over the sanctity of life. If he could speak, would your precious offspring consent to being dressed up like a prop from Cirque du Soleil? I don’t know the answer to that, but I think putting junior in a Baby Gaga costume is going to draw some protesters to your doorstep.

This feels like one of those multiple choice questions on a history exam that has ‘E. None of the Above’ as an answer. Even if you have no idea what year the Protestant Reformation began, as soon as you see that E. is an option, you know there’s a 70% chance you’re getting the question right. In this case, ‘None of the Above’ is 100% correct. Babies are not accessories. Buy a new purse, or get a pomeranian you can dress up in a tutu. Consider getting vajazzled.

While I may not have any children of my own (for the good of humanity), here’s a rule for young parents that I think we can all agree on: keep your kid out of a costume until he has enough teeth and fine motor skills to eat a Butterfinger under his own power. It will save you a little money, and protect him from the embarrassment of having his first girlfriend find pictures of him dressed like a Peep. And that’s change we can believe in.

L: I disagree with Zach on this one. I think dressing babies up comes with the territory. Personally, if I have to push a human being out of my hoo-ha, I will dress it up as much as possible. I like the idea of a baby burrito, with extra guac, with a side of chips and queso. Use real ingredients.

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