Last-weekend-of-the-semester-crazy-black out-before exam-hook ups… good idea or the best idea? You think there will be a ridiculous amount of people on the prowl this weekend?

December 8, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: I’ll go with great idea. Like #2 on the list. Best idea would be a few hours spent putting together a high quality goth photoshoot. Laura and I actually have that at the top of our to do list (P.S. I filed a missing persons report for Laura yesterday), but we’re working up the courage to go into Hot Topic to acquire the necessary attire. I’m scared of being called a conformist by a girl with a Monroe piercing and encyclopedic knowledge of the lyrics to every My Chemical Romance song (from before they sold out, of course).

I would even go so far as to say that hammertime finals hookups are a necessary study tool. The trick is to go for someone you’d otherwise NEVER stoop so low as to let talk to you, let alone enter you/enter. You’ll wake up the next day wanting to study for that organic chemistry test, so you can learn about new compounds to use to scrub the shame and self loathing off your genitals. And even when you’re physically clean, you’ll want to forget about last night’s disaster so badly that you’ll focus all your attention on prepping for your exams. It’s like Adderall, but with sloppier blowjobs and more vomit.

Let’s face it – you’re going to find new ways to avoid studying. You’ve always sorta a little bit wanted to watch every episode of M*A*S*H, and now seems like the perfect opportunity. And your socks are just dying to be organized alphabetically by fabric type. How about you take all of that self destructive energy and channel it into one or two nights of desperate, trivial boning? It’s the American way.

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Up until now I have been a heterosexual girl, but I think I falling in love with my bestfriend (a girl). Should I tell her?

December 7, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: I question whether or not you’ve been on the straight and narrow this whole time. I don’t subscribe to the notion that you can just flip a switch and – BAM- new sexual orientation. That’s for housewives who want to believe that their gay son is going through a phase, or that their daughter brought her “roommate” home for Christmas because she just didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Should you act on it? That’s a good question, and one you can probably answer better than I can. Nothing ruins a platonic relationship like a good sexual advance, so if you don’t think she’d be into it, you might want to keep your mouth shut.

But maybe you can subtly test her. The next time you’re hanging out together, take her hand and try to make out with her. If she’s into it, then you’re good to go. If not, just shake your head like you’re in a daze and say, “Sorry, I just watched Cruel Intentions.”

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i have a man crush on arnold but i dont no what i would do if i ever had the chance to meet him what would you guys do if the terminator every came and shook your hand P.S. not MOJO

December 6, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: I see. Kids, take this as a lesson – say no to amphetamines.

I don’t know if Laura is busy again today, but I know what she would say. Fear boners. You and Arnold would get them. Except yours would be more boner, and his would be more fear.

Once you two make that sly, mutual boner eye contact, it’s time to get down to business. Former actors, as you surely know, love it when fans repeat their quotes and decades old movie lines to them. It gives them a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, reminding them that they were once relevant. First, I would criticize his weak handshake and call him a girly man. Then I might use some of these ice breakers to get the convo ball rolling.

  • Ice to meet you. OR Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it’s the chilling sound of your doom. (Who doesn’t remember him as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin, perhaps the pinnacle of his illustrious acting career?)
  • WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU??
  • Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
  • If I am not me, then who the hell am I?

After he’s engaged you in light conversation, or whatever Arnold does to strangers (perhaps caress your face while he sensuously kisses you?), you’ll need to escape. I know, security is such weaksauce. Depending on your means of transportation, you could throw either of the following lines back in his face.

  • GET TO DA CHOPPA!
  • It’s turbo time!

Finally, to really put the fear of Maria Shriver in him, give him one last quote as a parting gift.

  • I’ll be back.
  • Hasta la vista, baby.
  • It’s NOT a tumah (He might find this comforting. He’s at the age now where he’s probably worried about that kind of thing)

In conclusion, that is what I would do if I ever met Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The end.

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After you count my illegitimate children and the ones that were forced upon me after my second marriage, I have a total of about 6 brats I need to cart around. Do you suggest I get a get a minivan or one of those gas-guzzling SUVs? I wanna be a cool mom!

December 3, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: There’s nothing quite like a nurturing mother who obviously adores her many illegitimate brats. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I picture you in a pair of magenta velour sweatpants with ice blue eyeshadow and an eyebrow ring. Sorry honey, but the cool mom ship sailed a long time ago. You haven’t been able to call yourself cool since your junior year of high school in 1989, when you proudly told your friends that you were a groupie because you went down on a roadie at a White Snake concert in Durham. Newsflash: a ponytail doesn’t make you a roadie. He was homeless.

Instead of spending so much time fretting over how cool you’ll look in your Astrovan or your ’95 Excursion, start with getting your goddamn roots touched up, and get that self-legitimizing “Bad Girls Live Hard” tattoo off your left tit (contribution from Laura, who is busy today). Or how about you figure out how you’re going to afford all those Lunchables for baby Geraldine, Denver, and the rest of the brood. Processed ham slices ain’t cheap ya know, and daddy isn’t exactly pulling in the big bucks while he’s collecting disability from Roto Rooter for his fake back injury.

I could be totally off base of course, and you could be a perfectly pleasant woman. Get a Toyota Sienna. Those Swagger Wagon commercials totally sold me.

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what do you guys think of kanye’s new cd? good investment?

December 2, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: If you’re between the ages of 12 and 35 and you’re paying for music, you are silly. I’m not saying you should download it illegally, because I think there’s a reasonable chance Kanye is unstable enough to come to your house and kill you for it, but uTorrent and Vuze are always viable options. You can also probably find it on blogs if you search for it on Goo – YO ZACH, I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, AND I’MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT MOMMY WANTS VODKA IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST BLOGS OF ALL TIME. ONE OF THE FUNNIEST BLOGS OF ALL TIME.

It’s too late. He’s already here.

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my id was taken tonight at a bar downtown. is my social life over forever?

December 1, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: You don’t need an ID for cocaine binges, spin-the-bottle parties, sex (most of the time) or vandalism. Think outside the box, butterfly.

Z: I would say I just forgot to answer this yesterday, but that would be a lie*. I was actually setting up my other business venture, which I’m calling Zach’s Clairvoyant Specialties International, Inc. As it turns out, I have a psychic gift, and I’m going to start sharing it with the world. Here’s a free** preview, based on a dream I actually*** had last night.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your under 21-hood playing backgammon at the local senior center, you’re gonna need a new ID. I’ll hook you up. Go to Duncan’s Toy Chest and ask for Mr. Duncan. Tell him that Little Mo with the Gimpy Leg and Cliff have been smooching with everybody. That’s the password. He’ll reply, “That’s a lie!” Then he’ll take you down to the basement where there’s a bomb shelter from the ’50s. Here you’ll discover that in addition to being a toy peddler, Mr. Duncan is also an arms dealer. He’s a natural salesman, so just bear with him as he shows you the weapons he has to offer. When he’s finished, tell him you need an over 21 ID. He’ll nod knowingly and offer you his college special, which includes a falsified passport and a visa to the country of your choice. This is useful to those planning to study abroad, so it’s up to you if you want to accept the offer. I don’t really remember what happens next, but you’ll leave with a new ID. Then I started to dream about zombies. It was weird.

So there you have it. Problem solved. Now cash or credit?

*the truth

**$4.99 a minute, so read quickly

***I’m serious. I dreamed this last night. Never combine Nyquil, sleep deprivation, and Home Alone 2. On second thought, always do it.

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Im all out of whey protein, where am i gonna get the amino acids i need for muscle mass?

November 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: You’re in luck – Today is Cyber Monday! So when you’re finished cybering, I guess it’s as good a day as any to buy some new protein. Consider your other options first, though. As I always say: Where there’s a will there’s a whey, and where there’s a major highway there’s TONS OF ROADKILL. It’s free, high in the crucial protein you’ll need after burning out those glutes on 800 lb. squats, and you can commemorate your radtastic mass gains by mounting the heads of your nutrient sources on the wall. You’ll even get a workout loading the dead animal carcasses into your car! Sure beats the hell out of a boring old 10 pound tub of double chocolate ultra extreme whey isolate, right?

But if you’re really serious about your body (and I can tell that you are), you might be better off with the good stuff. And by good stuff I mean copious amounts of anabolic steroids. Winter is a great time for a vacation in Mexico, where the weather is warm, farm animals are willing to do just about anything for a price, and growth hormones are cheap and plentiful. Stock up and you’ll be on your way to beefcake status back in the ol’ US of A in no time. And just when it’s time for a new cycle, three words (and a number) my friend: Cancun Spring Break 2011.

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Our wisest wisdom

November 28, 2010 § Leave a comment

We like to make lists, so we’ve compiled a list of our favorite blog posts to date. Enjoy.

And if this is your first time on the blog, or if you’re wondering what that salty taste in your mouth is (it’s semen), you’ll find your answer here: Who the fuck are you clowns?

I was digging up an archaeology site in the woods and I came across a human burial with amazing context and a wallet with money. I know I definitely have to report this but should I feel bad about taking the money out of the wallet?

November 26, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: In this economy!? People gotta do what they gotta do.  Plus, what is a dead guy gonna do with a few Benjamins? If he was buried in the woods, he was probably an asshole with no friends or morals. He wdould have taken your money if roles were reversed.  Tit for Tat. Picking up what I am putting down, playa?

Now if this is a historical burial…PUT THE MONEY BACK, YOU JACK WAGON.  Being an archaeologist myself, it’s people like you that give me blue balls. And I hate blue balls.

Z: So far I have refused to post on weekends. I have much better things to do, like hang out with Laura and spend all of our time talking about this blog. I go away for one day and everything goes to hell in a hand basket. Well here I am, and I’d like to call your technical jargon into question. You’re finding money in the pockets of a ‘human burial’ at an ‘archaeology site’ in the woods. I may not be Indiana Jones, but on my end I’m hearing ‘dead body’ at a ‘crime scene’. What does ‘amazing context’ mean? Bullet casings, severed fingers, a note from the BTK killer? John Gotti might not appreciate you disturbing his Temple of Doom.

Cliff Notes: I wouldn’t worry about digging through this cat’s pockets. He’s dead, and who gives a shit? I’d be a lot more concerned about the fact that you’re probably about to have some goons wrap up your bullet-riddled carcass in an area rug, turning you into your own burial site with great context.

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Quick question. I have to choose between which household I go to for Thanksgiving. I can go to my parents house, or my girlfriends parents. This would be our first holiday with her family, so I don’t want to screw it up. What should I do?

November 25, 2010 § Leave a comment

Happy Thanksgiving!

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