February 21, 2011 § Leave a comment
Z: I realize that our comeback was about as successful as Guns N’ Roses’ return to glory, but we didn’t have the heart for it anymore, nor any good questions to answer. I am going to count my response to this facebook-sourced question as a tax-deductible charity donation.
1. Arson – People like things, so you should make an effort to burn said things. The only thing that can beat conspicuous consumption is spontaneous combustion, and it’s time for you to let this asshole know that Smoky the Bear only cares about people who are good friends.
2. Steal their identity – You can go a lot of places with this one. They might have stabbed you in the back, but good luck buying a house after you’ve maxed out 28 credit cards on timeshares in Aruba. Don’t forget to register him/her as a sex offender, as well. They might also think twice about what they did when the FBI knocks at their door with a few questions about threats made against the general safety of the president. Of course you can call the defunding of Planned Parenthood a jihad, right? An anonymous tip, a jury of your peers, and 25 to life will disagree.
3. Tell his/her grandmother – The last thing anybody wants to do is look like a dick to their grandparents. Seek out grandma and bake a cake with her. Once she takes you to the attic to show you her precious Gerald’s uniform from the war, you’ve got a keen listener and a woman whose will can be rewritten at any time.
4. Photoshop their head onto some porn screenshots – Self-explanatory
5. Replace his/her pet with one that looks just like it, but is either much older or has serious health problems so it will die way sooner than expected – Brutal. Just brutal. Old Yeller got the shaft too though, so fuck it.
6. Combine 4 and 5 – Now you’re thinking.