What can I do to be a better person this year? I don’t know if I was really that good in 2010

January 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

L: To start with stop asking questions like this. Then go buy a WWF t-shirt from Forever 21, preferably one with a panda on it. Game, Set, Match.

Z: So our comeback hasn’t been so triumphant. It’s like when the cameras on Teen Mom stop rolling and the parents go back to neglecting their bastard children. Sorry Beeentley. From now on, I’ll do the right thing.

I obviously can’t give you a personalized answer to this question. I don’t really have any way of knowing how badly you suck. You might not either, which is probably why people don’t like you. At least you seem to have caught onto that, and I respect that you maintained your asshole ways through the end of the year so you could encapsulate all of them in one New Year’s Resolution. I’ll throw you a bone and give you a few general tips on how to be a better person in 2011.

  • If you have leftover novelty ‘2011’ novelty glasses with lenses in the 0 and 1, go ahead and throw them away. They’re awful, and so are you for wearing them in the first place.
  • Kill everything you eat with your own hands. You’ll feel more connected to the food chain, and locally sourced food is totally going to be in for 2011. It can be tough to kill cute furry animals, so you’ll find yourself eating a lot more insects, which are low in fat and high in protein. This kills two birds with one stone, because you can literally kill two birds with one stone AND eat healthier. New year, new you.
  • Develop a new phobia, or really cultivate a current one. Old fears=stale you. If I’m alone outside at night, I assume I am moments away from being murdered by aliens. Not abducted. Murdered. Yawn. Spice things up a bit and become terrified of something else. I’ve chosen elementary school cafeterias.
  • Get an elective surgery of your choice. Surprise me.

And that’s it. You’re on your way to being well-liked, attractive, and successful.

Submit questions anonymously here.

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