My inflatable bed at my grandmothers house just deflated. It’s 2 in the morning, Christmas eve, and want blood. I see the red in my eyes. What do I do so I don’t kill a member of my family?

December 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: masturbate, figure out how to make your piener fall asleep, www.christianmingle.com, read the Old Testment backwards (it makes more sense this way), sext one of your younger siblings friend’s, tell Granny to move over, draw a picture of Elliot Stabler…wear a cowboy costume, shave your face or legs or no-zone, take all your clothes off, eat all of Santa’s cookies, open everyone’s presents, set the air mattress on fire, set yourself on fire, try putting your leg behind your head, go next door, punch yourself in the face 4 times, stick a dildo in your parents’ bed (make sure it’s vibrator/rotating), try breathing through your eyes (it is possible, I do it while in church) and, finally, pee in the Christmas tree and in all the electrical outlets.

Z: They call this time of year the season of giving. I don’t know who ‘they’ are, but I assume they’re those fat cats in Washington with jobs and Christmas bonuses. In this economy, it’s time to toss that lame idea out the window and install a season of taking.

If you have younger siblings, they’re clearly expendable. A few vague threats about Santa not loving them should get them out of the bed and onto the floor in no time. Or into the garage if you’re really feeling that Christmas spirit, and I have no doubt that you are. And I’m not going to tell you to throw your grandmother out of her bed because that would be terrible, but I’m not saying you couldn’t move her aside either. She’s frail, she won’t notice. Another possibility is her posse of cats. Grandmothers always have lots of cats, so you can try sleeping in their bed(s) as well. I have a cat, and if something happens to my sleeping situation, I’m going to at least attempt to curl up in her little bed and use her as a pillow. Sorry Lucy.

If all else fails, MacGyver a new bed. Coats, presents, family members, bed pans – whatever you can find in your grandmother’s house. All are potential makeshift sleeping bags. Best of luck.

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