so there’s been a lot of stuff in the news lately about how successful women threaten men and therefore we (yea, I’m a woman who considers herself successful) don’t get laid and/or married. do you think this is true? and if so, what can I do to get a guy?

December 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: After carefully considering your dilemma and crunching the numbers (I made coffee), I have concluded that this is absolutely true. As a successful woman, the men you see yourself with probably are not into you. Success seeks success, and you want a successful man as well, right? Wrong.

I remember seeing this story in the news during a particularly slow week, and the beached whale/desperate attention whore that is the media claimed that all of you successful single women are part of some ‘epidemic’. What I don’t get, and what nobody else seems to want to bring up, is that we’re assuming that there are plenty of successful men out there as well. There aren’t.

I’m not trying get all GIRL POWER ROX! on you or anything, but the idealized image of the 50 year old executive chasing blonde cocktail waitresses named Krystal isn’t what I would classify as “successful”. He hates himself, and he’s only after this type because he doesn’t think she’ll see the soulless shell of a man staring back at him in the rear view mirror of his Porsche. That, and he hopes she won’t want to have a kid, which would require him to drop the fantasy and admit to himself that his chances of becoming the family man he dreamed of being as a kid are running out. Sorry guy, your dad still thinks you’re a disappointment.

So forget about the “successful” archetype. Find a nice, dependable dope with a porn-quality package and a heart of gold. Bonus points if he goes to work in coveralls and would be played by Matthew McConaughey if they made a movie out of his life. Rather than think of it as lowering your standards, just consider it an adjustment. You’re not changing the tires, you’re just rotating them.

If that doesn’t sound appealing, get a cat. A sexy cat. And sign up for an account on Ashley Madison.

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