My sister’s boyfriend is celebrating Christmas with our family. Am I supposed to get him a present? Any suggestions?

December 13, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: Kelly, if you’re reading this, don’t get me anything. I can’t imagine that you are reading this though, since you have several crucial things that I don’t, namely taste, a career, and your priorities straight. Although I did accidentally throw my wallet away yesterday, so I wouldn’t say no to a replacement. Actually, forget the wallet. I’m most upset about the $10 Coldstone gift card that was in it (RIP). Not asking; just saying.

Anyways, you don’t need to get him anything. It just isn’t necessary. But I still thought long and hard about the perfect gift for your future brother-in-law while I sat at the MVA waiting to get a new license today. While doing so, I had the privilege of watching a man eat his boogers, and another woman braid her husband’s and son’s ponytails. And then it hit me: Plan B. It’s the best gift ever! If you like the guy and if he’s cool, he’ll appreciate the humor and the safety valve you’ve given him in case  they’re afraid that their champagne and tequila fueled post-New Year’s accident created another accident. And if you don’t like him (or, more likely, if you don’t like your sister), include a handwritten note that says, “Trust me – with her desperate desire to mother a child, undiagnosed schizophrenia, and out of control secret heroin addiction, you’re going to want this. Merry Christmas!”

No need to thank me. I’m in the giving spirit.

P.S. On an unrelated note, I heard what I think was pound for pound the worst Christmas song known to humanity while I was at the MVA. How bad? It rhymed “under the Christmas tree” with “we’ll all get matching capris”. I just needed to share this. If you can figure out who sang this, I would also include it in the pool of potential gifts for your sister’s boyfriend. For reference, it sounded like it could be Taylor Swift’s inbred aunt (so maybe Reba McEntire?).

Submit questions anonymously here.

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