One of my friends who looks a lot like me wants me to take a final for him. I already took the class and I killed it but is it worth the risk?

December 9, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: “Worth the risk”, in my experience, usually involves money. Friends are just people you like to hang out with from time to time…but let’s be honest, you wouldn’t be friends with someone if the relationship didn’t benefit you in one way or another. I am not talking about the benefit of having someone you can talk to about anything; that is some sissy shit.  I mean benefits like giving you a discount on cocaine and plan B. Life is a grocery store and friends are your food stamps and coupons. Your food stamp (formerly known as a ‘friend’) in question has a value…and what he offers ($) will tell you if it is worth the risk. I would say no less then 100 dollhairs. Anything less than that is, well, a pathetic food stamp if you ask me. So hump and dump the shit out of the exam and take your money to a strip club, where your true friends are.

Z: Many years ago, a dear friend of mine taught me an important life lesson: If ya ain’t cheatin, ya ain’t tryin. I’ve taken that to heart for about as long as I can remember, and it has never steered me wrong. Not once. Ever.

Therefore, I’m not sure what this so-called ‘risk’ is. Do you mean the risk you run of not doing well? Your friend is clearly going to fail the shit out of this test, so you don’t need to be concerned about his feelings or his GPA. Take his student ID and march on down to wherever the test is being held with your head held high. It isn’t like you’re going to be the only person doing it. You know how professors always bitch every test about seeing new faces, or seeing people who only show up for tests? No, Professor Oblivious, it’s not just because they’ve been skipping class the whole time. It’s because their buddies are too goddamn dumb to pass for themselves, so they sent their friends instead. It’s like representative democracy, but with scantrons.

And it isn’t like the professors even care. They know their students are a bunch of morons. They’re just there for the nerdy girls who have crushes on them and a bully pulpit aka tenure. Little known fact: ‘tenure’ is really just short for ‘ten years until I can do whatever I want’. It’s like nunya, or whatever little bitchy 5th graders used to say.

If you do get caught (you won’t), don’t try to explain yourself, and sure as hell don’t admit defeat. Grab the test, grab your friend’s ID, and run. Run like hell. They can’t expel what they can’t catch. If I’ve convinced you to go through with it, good. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

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