After you count my illegitimate children and the ones that were forced upon me after my second marriage, I have a total of about 6 brats I need to cart around. Do you suggest I get a get a minivan or one of those gas-guzzling SUVs? I wanna be a cool mom!

December 3, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: There’s nothing quite like a nurturing mother who obviously adores her many illegitimate brats. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I picture you in a pair of magenta velour sweatpants with ice blue eyeshadow and an eyebrow ring. Sorry honey, but the cool mom ship sailed a long time ago. You haven’t been able to call yourself cool since your junior year of high school in 1989, when you proudly told your friends that you were a groupie because you went down on a roadie at a White Snake concert in Durham. Newsflash: a ponytail doesn’t make you a roadie. He was homeless.

Instead of spending so much time fretting over how cool you’ll look in your Astrovan or your ’95 Excursion, start with getting your goddamn roots touched up, and get that self-legitimizing “Bad Girls Live Hard” tattoo off your left tit (contribution from Laura, who is busy today). Or how about you figure out how you’re going to afford all those Lunchables for baby Geraldine, Denver, and the rest of the brood. Processed ham slices ain’t cheap ya know, and daddy isn’t exactly pulling in the big bucks while he’s collecting disability from Roto Rooter for his fake back injury.

I could be totally off base of course, and you could be a perfectly pleasant woman. Get a Toyota Sienna. Those Swagger Wagon commercials totally sold me.

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You are currently reading After you count my illegitimate children and the ones that were forced upon me after my second marriage, I have a total of about 6 brats I need to cart around. Do you suggest I get a get a minivan or one of those gas-guzzling SUVs? I wanna be a cool mom! at Laura and Zach.

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