my id was taken tonight at a bar downtown. is my social life over forever?

December 1, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: You don’t need an ID for cocaine binges, spin-the-bottle parties, sex (most of the time) or vandalism. Think outside the box, butterfly.

Z: I would say I just forgot to answer this yesterday, but that would be a lie*. I was actually setting up my other business venture, which I’m calling Zach’s Clairvoyant Specialties International, Inc. As it turns out, I have a psychic gift, and I’m going to start sharing it with the world. Here’s a free** preview, based on a dream I actually*** had last night.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your under 21-hood playing backgammon at the local senior center, you’re gonna need a new ID. I’ll hook you up. Go to Duncan’s Toy Chest and ask for Mr. Duncan. Tell him that Little Mo with the Gimpy Leg and Cliff have been smooching with everybody. That’s the password. He’ll reply, “That’s a lie!” Then he’ll take you down to the basement where there’s a bomb shelter from the ’50s. Here you’ll discover that in addition to being a toy peddler, Mr. Duncan is also an arms dealer. He’s a natural salesman, so just bear with him as he shows you the weapons he has to offer. When he’s finished, tell him you need an over 21 ID. He’ll nod knowingly and offer you his college special, which includes a falsified passport and a visa to the country of your choice. This is useful to those planning to study abroad, so it’s up to you if you want to accept the offer. I don’t really remember what happens next, but you’ll leave with a new ID. Then I started to dream about zombies. It was weird.

So there you have it. Problem solved. Now cash or credit?

*the truth

**$4.99 a minute, so read quickly

***I’m serious. I dreamed this last night. Never combine Nyquil, sleep deprivation, and Home Alone 2. On second thought, always do it.

Submit questions anonymously here.

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