my priest told me not to masturbate, but then performed the very same act in front of me. i’m confused? what do i do with these conflicting thoughts??

November 23, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: Nothing conflicting about this. It’s like sex ed. They don’t want you to have sex, but they show you how to do it, just in case you do.  Priest peep shows are in this season…wear them often.

Z: There are just some questions you come across in life that you don’t want to answer, because whatever you say will inevitably be uncomfortable and really fail to address the gravity of the situation. But this isn’t one of those questions, and I am eager to lend a hand.

Father Jack here needs to practice what he preaches. Hypocrites are the worst. My mom always told me not to brand people, and then she’d turn around and brand me anyway. Way to send mixed signals to a 6 year old.

I think there are three possible theories that can explain your situation

1. He’s showing off. Maybe he’s packing an Archbishop and he’s proud of what he’s got, but the only women in his life who he can show are Handgela and her five friends. That’s where you come in. In that case you should sit politely, wait for him to finish, and go on your merry way. I’m not saying it’s right, but throw him a bone while he throws his at you. At least you’re looking at a nice lawsuit down the line.

2. He’s lashing out. His dad probably used him as an ash tray when he was a kid, so now he deals with his daddy issues by jacking it in  kids’ faces. Instead of sitting there while he rubs one out, tell him to start a church numetal band, where he can write angst-laden lyrics and complain about his bad relationship with pops. Remember Korn? Well they sucked, and they were dramatic about their daddy issues too. I assume it’s the same kind of scenario.

3. He’s sexually abusing you. I’d say this is probably the least likely scenario. That would be like the president misusing his power over staffers or something. Doesn’t happen.

So I don’t really think you have much to worry about. Your priest is most likely just a drama queen who wants some attention. If your confused thoughts really bother you that much, take action and throw them right back in his face by masturbating at him for all you’re worth. Or become a Boy Scout leader and make him jealous.

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