I just discovered I am secretly racist. How to I combat this?

November 22, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z:  Finally, a question I think I’m well equipped to handle. My education and career are based on combating racism, so you’re in luck. The fact of the matter (this is far from revelatory, I know) is that just about everyone is racist. Especially white people. Oh, you privileged crackers with your Tahoes and Subarus, shuttling kids from cello practice to a lacrosse game or whatever whites are into these days.  But I digress.

Your awareness and desire to reverse your ways are commendable, although it was probably only a secret to you. If you’ve ever started a statement with, “I don’t mean to be/sound racist, but…”, whatever came next WAS racist, and you are BLATANTLY racist. My best advice to combat your racism is to stop being racist. I’ll let that sink in for a second. Racism is a sweet, sweet addiction, like that crack amphetamine that all those blacks are addicted to, or the high fructose corn syrup that people in Houston are always shooting up with turkey basters. It’s just something you’ll have to get over. Tuck your Klan hood away in the attic, and take down your framed picture of George Lincoln Rockwell. The Hitler memorial in your backyard can go too. You should probably throw them away, but this is a multi-step program. Baby steps. It takes time.

Of course, there is a slim chance that what you’ve mistaken for racism is actually just your genuine dislike of a person. For example, I don’t like Benjamin Banneker. Not because he was black, but because he helped design Washington, DC so my commute feels like a glorified game of Mouse Trap. I dislike George Lopez too. Again, not because he’s Hispanic, but because his accent is too thick, he’s loud, and he’s probably here illegally just so he can have a U.S.-born kid while he takes a job away from a hard working American comedian. Wait…shit.

P.S. If you’re the parent involved in this scenario, or if you find this to be a stirring rally cry, you’re just racist. There’s no turning back.

Submit questions anonymously here.

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