I’ve been with my significant other for 6 years now. This person is the most amazing person I could ever think of…however I don’t feel any sexual attraction anymore.. What do I do?

November 8, 2010 § Leave a comment

Dear Katie,

I thought we agreed not to air out our dirty laundry in public again. I distinctly remember pinkie promising not to after I posted on your Facebook wall that the doctor called and what you thought was IBS was actually just a lot of gas. Apparently nothing is sacred to you anymore.

You tell me this every day. It’s nothing new. I can’t even begin to count the number of times you’ve gazed lovingly into my eyes and told me that your bedroom walls turn you on more than I do. “At least my walls are tan.” I get it. And I’m painting your room white tonight.

I’ll tell you what I tell you every time: You might as well let yourself go too. This ship has sailed, and it ain’t coming back any prettier. Quit complaining and join in. Embrace the frizz. Use Rogaine to develop and grow a sexy unibrow (Frida Kahlo is a top ten underrated Mexican surrealist hottie anyway). Remember that you’re only as sweet as the desserts you eat, and that the only thing separating sweatpants and business slacks is a handful of self-adhesive rhinestones.

If anything, you’re the one who needs to temper her expectations. Physical attraction is so four years ago.

Respectfully yours,
Zach

P.S. I thought you said the Timberlake mask helped?

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