How much credit should I give to my dreams? In the past week, I’ve fucked my ex boyfriend (over 2 years since I’ve done that IRL), given birth in high school (ow), and sabotaged a friend’s non-existent wedding a la Taylor Swift in “speak now.” what??

November 8, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: I, personally, do not think dreams hold much water. Dreams are like politicians – they say a lot, but it doesn’t mean much.  As far as using these dreams to your advantage…I suggest that we take look at Muhammad’s goddamn accomplishments.

So a zillion years ago, Muhammad claimed to have these revelations from God/Allah in his dreams.  Whether Muhammad’s dreams were true is not the point. The point is that he took the dreams and became a Divine Pimp.

Get someone to write down all your revelations, just like Muhammad did. Then you have to gather very impressionable people to be your cult following. Great places to recruit your horde include comic book stores, confessionals in Catholic churches, and PTA meetings. Make sure you set up the pillars of your religion (MoMo had five). As far as I can see, you have 3:

  1. Thou shalt have sex with your ex or face eternal damnation
  2. Thou shalt have a child by your 15th birthday or face eternal damnation
  3. Thou shalt live by Taylor Swift’s lyrics or face eternal damnation

Now pick a religious hot spot and crash the party. I think any Chick-fil-A will suffice, but pick one in the Bible Belt if you’re feeling ambitious. Keep in mind that they aren’t open on Sundays because everyone is at church, thus unable to purchase their delicious chicken sandwiches.  Get your boy band/cult following to come with you and demand revisions to this backwards way of life. MoMo was turned away on his first attempt, but you’ll only need one shot with your convincing pillars. And voila, you are a Divine Badass.

Z: I think we can all agree that Laura hit the nail on the head. To paraphrase: less credit to your dreams, more credit to your obvious drug and alcohol dependencies.

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