How do I go about getting my ex bf back?

November 4, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: This is how appearances on daytime talk shows happen. I can smell the desperation on your breath. Maury’s casting department is waiting by the phone.

Which is why you need to do the most outrageous and Hollywood-ready stunt you can think of. TV airtime and a couple days of internet fame are the best things you have to look forward to. Let’s face it. You’re not getting him back, unless you count drunk hookups at 4am on Saturday as ‘getting him back’. I don’t. That’s just getting it in.

Get the keys to your mom’s truck and pack a few gallons of gasoline, a baseball bat, a fire extinguisher, and a lighter. I know your mom doesn’t like you borrowing the truck to go to his trailer, but this is important. When you get to his single wide, use the gas and lighter to spell out your names and a statement of your undying love in fire on his front patch of grass. Examples include: “CHASTITY + SEAN PRESTON 4 LYFE” and “KEIGHLEIGH JOE + DALLAS AAF”. To get his attention, begin beating either the crappiest or the nicest Corvette nearby. Chances are good that they’re both his.

When he comes outside, brace yourself. He’s probably going to hit you. Survive the initial barrage and you’re in the clear, because he’ll remember how pissed his probation officer is going to be when he gets another domestic assault charge. Next, use the remaining gas to douse your ex and set him alight. While he’s rolling around in agony, repeatedly yell something like, “This is how much my heart burns for you!” You’re trying to make a good impression for the camera, since his neighbors are undoubtedly filming by now (exchange #s afterward). Finally, use the fire extinguisher to put out your ex. Call up Jerry Springer, send in the tape, and get ready for the 15 minute ride of your life. In a blue Camaro with a majestic arctic seal decal in the back window.

L: two words–Vaginal Rejuvenation

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