Im all out of whey protein, where am i gonna get the amino acids i need for muscle mass?

November 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: You’re in luck – Today is Cyber Monday! So when you’re finished cybering, I guess it’s as good a day as any to buy some new protein. Consider your other options first, though. As I always say: Where there’s a will there’s a whey, and where there’s a major highway there’s TONS OF ROADKILL. It’s free, high in the crucial protein you’ll need after burning out those glutes on 800 lb. squats, and you can commemorate your radtastic mass gains by mounting the heads of your nutrient sources on the wall. You’ll even get a workout loading the dead animal carcasses into your car! Sure beats the hell out of a boring old 10 pound tub of double chocolate ultra extreme whey isolate, right?

But if you’re really serious about your body (and I can tell that you are), you might be better off with the good stuff. And by good stuff I mean copious amounts of anabolic steroids. Winter is a great time for a vacation in Mexico, where the weather is warm, farm animals are willing to do just about anything for a price, and growth hormones are cheap and plentiful. Stock up and you’ll be on your way to beefcake status back in the ol’ US of A in no time. And just when it’s time for a new cycle, three words (and a number) my friend: Cancun Spring Break 2011.

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Our wisest wisdom

November 28, 2010 § Leave a comment

We like to make lists, so we’ve compiled a list of our favorite blog posts to date. Enjoy.

And if this is your first time on the blog, or if you’re wondering what that salty taste in your mouth is (it’s semen), you’ll find your answer here: Who the fuck are you clowns?

I was digging up an archaeology site in the woods and I came across a human burial with amazing context and a wallet with money. I know I definitely have to report this but should I feel bad about taking the money out of the wallet?

November 26, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: In this economy!? People gotta do what they gotta do.  Plus, what is a dead guy gonna do with a few Benjamins? If he was buried in the woods, he was probably an asshole with no friends or morals. He wdould have taken your money if roles were reversed.  Tit for Tat. Picking up what I am putting down, playa?

Now if this is a historical burial…PUT THE MONEY BACK, YOU JACK WAGON.  Being an archaeologist myself, it’s people like you that give me blue balls. And I hate blue balls.

Z: So far I have refused to post on weekends. I have much better things to do, like hang out with Laura and spend all of our time talking about this blog. I go away for one day and everything goes to hell in a hand basket. Well here I am, and I’d like to call your technical jargon into question. You’re finding money in the pockets of a ‘human burial’ at an ‘archaeology site’ in the woods. I may not be Indiana Jones, but on my end I’m hearing ‘dead body’ at a ‘crime scene’. What does ‘amazing context’ mean? Bullet casings, severed fingers, a note from the BTK killer? John Gotti might not appreciate you disturbing his Temple of Doom.

Cliff Notes: I wouldn’t worry about digging through this cat’s pockets. He’s dead, and who gives a shit? I’d be a lot more concerned about the fact that you’re probably about to have some goons wrap up your bullet-riddled carcass in an area rug, turning you into your own burial site with great context.

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Quick question. I have to choose between which household I go to for Thanksgiving. I can go to my parents house, or my girlfriends parents. This would be our first holiday with her family, so I don’t want to screw it up. What should I do?

November 25, 2010 § Leave a comment

Happy Thanksgiving!

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It’s the day before Thanksgiving

November 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

and we’re lazy. At the moment, I am making an extra notch in my belt just for tomorrow. If you need us, we’ll be on Twitter.


Send your questions and queries to us on Formspring and we’ll straighten you out. Or help you realize that you’re gay. Whichever.

my priest told me not to masturbate, but then performed the very same act in front of me. i’m confused? what do i do with these conflicting thoughts??

November 23, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: Nothing conflicting about this. It’s like sex ed. They don’t want you to have sex, but they show you how to do it, just in case you do.  Priest peep shows are in this season…wear them often.

Z: There are just some questions you come across in life that you don’t want to answer, because whatever you say will inevitably be uncomfortable and really fail to address the gravity of the situation. But this isn’t one of those questions, and I am eager to lend a hand.

Father Jack here needs to practice what he preaches. Hypocrites are the worst. My mom always told me not to brand people, and then she’d turn around and brand me anyway. Way to send mixed signals to a 6 year old.

I think there are three possible theories that can explain your situation

1. He’s showing off. Maybe he’s packing an Archbishop and he’s proud of what he’s got, but the only women in his life who he can show are Handgela and her five friends. That’s where you come in. In that case you should sit politely, wait for him to finish, and go on your merry way. I’m not saying it’s right, but throw him a bone while he throws his at you. At least you’re looking at a nice lawsuit down the line.

2. He’s lashing out. His dad probably used him as an ash tray when he was a kid, so now he deals with his daddy issues by jacking it in  kids’ faces. Instead of sitting there while he rubs one out, tell him to start a church numetal band, where he can write angst-laden lyrics and complain about his bad relationship with pops. Remember Korn? Well they sucked, and they were dramatic about their daddy issues too. I assume it’s the same kind of scenario.

3. He’s sexually abusing you. I’d say this is probably the least likely scenario. That would be like the president misusing his power over staffers or something. Doesn’t happen.

So I don’t really think you have much to worry about. Your priest is most likely just a drama queen who wants some attention. If your confused thoughts really bother you that much, take action and throw them right back in his face by masturbating at him for all you’re worth. Or become a Boy Scout leader and make him jealous.

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I just discovered I am secretly racist. How to I combat this?

November 22, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z:  Finally, a question I think I’m well equipped to handle. My education and career are based on combating racism, so you’re in luck. The fact of the matter (this is far from revelatory, I know) is that just about everyone is racist. Especially white people. Oh, you privileged crackers with your Tahoes and Subarus, shuttling kids from cello practice to a lacrosse game or whatever whites are into these days.  But I digress.

Your awareness and desire to reverse your ways are commendable, although it was probably only a secret to you. If you’ve ever started a statement with, “I don’t mean to be/sound racist, but…”, whatever came next WAS racist, and you are BLATANTLY racist. My best advice to combat your racism is to stop being racist. I’ll let that sink in for a second. Racism is a sweet, sweet addiction, like that crack amphetamine that all those blacks are addicted to, or the high fructose corn syrup that people in Houston are always shooting up with turkey basters. It’s just something you’ll have to get over. Tuck your Klan hood away in the attic, and take down your framed picture of George Lincoln Rockwell. The Hitler memorial in your backyard can go too. You should probably throw them away, but this is a multi-step program. Baby steps. It takes time.

Of course, there is a slim chance that what you’ve mistaken for racism is actually just your genuine dislike of a person. For example, I don’t like Benjamin Banneker. Not because he was black, but because he helped design Washington, DC so my commute feels like a glorified game of Mouse Trap. I dislike George Lopez too. Again, not because he’s Hispanic, but because his accent is too thick, he’s loud, and he’s probably here illegally just so he can have a U.S.-born kid while he takes a job away from a hard working American comedian. Wait…shit.

P.S. If you’re the parent involved in this scenario, or if you find this to be a stirring rally cry, you’re just racist. There’s no turning back.

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my roommate and i are trying out a new drinking game tonight. When people ask us questions we can only answer with 5 specific answers. What are some suggestions for the five answers?

November 19, 2010 § Leave a comment

Generally speaking, we like to sit on questions for a couple days. Let our thoughts marinate and simmer, creating responses that are distasteful but usually palatable. This one, however, gets to use the express checkout lane. Laura and I have combined forces and put our (penis) heads together to come up with some possibilities.

1. I didn’t invite you.

2. Sorry, we don’t have any. My doctor said they could give me toxic shock syndrome.

3. If you think that’s weird, go to a dog park. Now THAT SHIT is confusing.

4. I just want to know what Turtle is going to do with all of the bodies

6. My favorite drinking game is driving.

7. I’m famous on a few websites. I won’t tell you which ones.

8. I’m not going anywhere until I see at least two ballsacks and an empty bottle of Burnett’s.

9. Hi. Today my name is Tammy. Tomorrow it’s Tommy.

10. Fuck it. I just want to dougie.

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Does TSA’s new pat down search cross the line? Like am I obligated to get the security person’s number and friend them on facebook?

November 19, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: What line are you talking about, exactly? The line of decency, of personal space, of privacy? Maybe. IF YOU’RE A PRUDE. I’m always down to have strangers feeling on my junk. It’s how I make a living. As we all know, airports are boring and stressful. You’re always eyeballing potential terrorists (why does everyone look so suspicious?) and I seem to to be hungry at all times. I don’t know why. If I can get an in flight movie and a nice groping from Greta the Security Beast, who am I to say no? While she’s groping your inner thigh, give her a wink and a nice love tap with your boner. Let her know you care. She’ll appreciate the light humor, and you’ll both enjoy the sexual harassment cases you can bring against each other. Oh love, you find us in the strangest of ways.

L: First and foremost, Zach and I don’t see lines, make lines, or acknowledge lines.  The only lines we see or do are of white baby angel dust. In our eyes, there was no line to cross in the first place.  Groping strangers, whether for money or pleasure, is frowned upon way too often. Let’s be honest. We are all people of substance here, or at least I like to imagine the people that read our blog are. If your clothes are on, it is not inappropriate. There’s a barrier of sorts there, so nothing too uncomfortable can happen.  Society is the best at making simple things, like groping, taboo.  Well I say fuck the taboos and go ahead and fuck Greta.  She is probably a freak in the sheets, and who can resist a linebacker, with a vag, in uniform?  If this doesn’t get you going, you are reading the wrong blog. I suggest you concern yourself less with abstract lines and more with tangible, illegal, addictive lines.

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My roommate has never cleaned our bathroom, I always have to do it. Also, she has stop doing her other apartment chores, and owes me money for cleaning supplies, toilet paper, and hand soap. How do I deal with this bitch in an efficient way?

November 18, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: This is simple. Kill her.

Disclaimer: Don’t kill her.

L: This is an issue I could talk about for days but can’t because we have just launched our twatter and it is very time consuming. But this is what I suggest.

1. Invite people over that you know she likes/respects/lusts for.  And while entertaining, say something to the effect of “Dude, stop leaving your douche bags in the sink, I live here too you know.” It doesn’t matter if you’re lying; truth is a mere distraction.
2. Keep everything in your room. Toilet paper, soap, tooth paste, shower curtain, bathtub, etc. Just bring them in when you need them and take them out when you are done.
3. Call me old fashion, but giving her a good ol’ pussy slap might help.
4. Steal money from her often.
5. Tell her mom that you are worried about her preoccupation with The Man Show
6. If she has a pet small enough to be put in the toilet on a regular basis…do I have to spell it out for you?
7. Never flush the toliet…I don’t care what is in there…DO NOT FLUSH
8. Brush your teeth so hard that your gums bleed, (you seem pretty anal, so you probably do that anyways) spit in the sink and dont wash it down.
9. When you take all the hair out of your brush, lay it on the toilet seat.
10. Finally, find a homeless man (if you don’t feel like it, you could do this last suggestion yourself) and have him pee in each corner of her room.

Handling this type of issue like an adult (i.e. talking to her about what is bothering you) isn’t my style, so this probably will not solve the problem. But you are a girl and girls don’t like solving problems, we like to humilate and destroy. I am just giving advice based on female survival instinct.

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