Q&A with Laura and Zach

October 23, 2010 § Leave a comment

Regret something you did last night and need some advice now? Love something you did last night and want to know how you can make sure it happens again? Laura and Zach have answers, but we can’t offer you our Emmy/Grammy/Woody Award winning advice until you ask. Don’t be shy. We don’t know who you are, and the deeper and darker your question is, the less we want to. Send your inquiries to http://formspring.me/lauraandzach and we’ll set you straight.

That number again is http://formspring.me/lauraandzach. We’re developing quite a following, and we wouldn’t want your question to miss the fame train. All aboard, bitches.

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I recently fell head over heels for a Mexican.. but they have such bad reputations in America, I’m embarrassed to introduce him to any of my friends or family! hellpp

October 22, 2010 § 1 Comment

Z: Ah, xenophobia. One of my favorite American pastimes, up there with baseball and living beyond your means. It’s a shame that love can be dictated by our fears of people who don’t look like ourselves. If you know for certain that your parents will not approve of your charming Mexican love interest, I’m afraid you’ll have to resort to secret rendezvous in places they will surely never find you. I recommend libraries, abortion clinics, NBA arenas, and Whole Foods.

However, I think your worries may be slightly overblown. For the sake of this argument, we’ll assume you come from white, God fearing, red-blooded American stock. Your dad may have hit your mom once or twice over the years, but he didn’t mean it. There is a science-backed hierarchy of these parents’ worst fears regarding who their son or daughter brings home for dinner. It is as follows (and I have included examples of reactions you can expect from your dad):

1. Any person whose sexual orientation or gender will require extra explanation to 95 year old home-bound Grandma when your mom shows her pictures from the wedding

2. Anyone your dad will know in his patriotic heart of hearts is a terrorist with the worst intentions for you, God, and country

3. People with red hair (your dad will assume that he or she is Catholic, and he hasn’t trusted Catholics since JFK was elected to office. Although he was only 7 at the time.)

4. Hippies, or any registered Democrat (tomayto, tomahto)

5. A member of any historically oppressed non-East Asian racial or ethnic minority group. Your dad will ‘joke’ that he or she is just there for a free meal, and to break the tense silence, will follow up by asking for food stamps in exchange for your mother’s lasagna.

6. Any person of East Asian descent. Pops will ask about life ‘back in the Orient’ at least once. Things will get awkward sometime around his 5th after-dinner High Life when he jokingly asks if they have any opium he can buy, and even more so after his 8th when he asks again, only this time he means it and he’s looking to score.

Best of luck, and take solace in knowing how difficult it’s going to be for your other half to convince his parents that you are not just another ignorant, arrogant American.

L: I hate following Zach in the talent show.

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I’m having a quarter life crisis. I’m just not where I thought I would be at age 25. What should I do?

October 21, 2010 § 1 Comment

L: The first question you must ask yourself is where do you think you are supposed to be at 25? Then you must lower your expectations. Lowering your expectations helps in finding yourself. So does getting a vibrator.

The real issue is the pressure of society to be constantly successful and all knowing. Which is a WASP ideal, and WASPs need to be swatted. I didn’t plan on going to 5 different colleges, but you know what? It makes me seem like an outgoing person who loves new experiences. Which is a lie of sorts. Take things you have done that aren’t exactly “successful” and turn them into successes.

For example: You have slept with 50+ people. Ideally, you should get tested and go to a counselor about your daddy issues. But then again, this makes you a people person, someone to take home. Not necessarily to mom and dad, but that is beside the point. You are someone that is easy to talk to. You are up for doing anything, and spontaneity is always a plus. And you have lots of “friends.” You have a lot of life experience. Your rather disgustingly insecure exsistence is now something to use in the “Strengths” section of your Applebees application instead of the “Weaknesses.”

What I am getting at here is that your life may be a Fig Newton, but a Fig Newton while high or drunk, with a few embellishments, is a Harry and David chocolate truffle. Use what you have to your advantage. Obama did.

Z: Quit complaining and go backpack through southeast Asia. You’ll either come back with a renewed sense of purpose and a hot Thai wife, or with recurring psychotic episodes thanks to that poisonous frog you licked with a tribe in Borneo. Your family and friends already think you’re a disappointment, so you don’t have much to lose either way.

Submit questions anonymously here.

Why do my pet fish keep dying? What happens to fish when they die?

October 21, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: I’m sorry for your loss. I once had two goldfish die within four hours of getting them home (RIP Babs and Buster ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG). Chalk their passing up to negligence – I have reason to believe that their miniature castle’s paint was lead based, making China directly responsible for their deaths. The courts, however, disagreed.

No one really knows why fish die. There are a lot of unanswered questions out there in this crazy thing we call life. Fucking magnets, how do they work? Except if you’re putting your fish in bottles of vodka. That will kill the hell out of them.

And where do they go when they die? The easy answer is to the great estuary in the sky, where the riverbed is artificial and neon, and food flakes fall from the heavens at your request.

The correct answer, however, is to landfills, sewage treatment centers, and industrial factories to be ground into fishmeal to feed livestock. That’s why I had my fish cremated.

L: Fish become or take part in: sushi, lipstick, catfood, some hair products, condoms, etc.
Your pet fish are probably dying on purpose aka marine suicide. Look it up. Anyone that has pet fish is either hideous, has greasy hair, is a close talker, or has a high pitched voice. This excludes Zach, because he is funny. Your fish would rather be dead, made into paste, and added to the latex in condoms than have to look at your unfortunate mug for the rest of its characteristically short life. Think about where condoms go. Think about it. Get a pet that doesn’t mind looking at you, like a bulldog.

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is it better to be a teen mom (think Amber), and octomom, or a sister wife?

October 21, 2010 § Leave a comment

L: I personally love the idea of a sister wife. These women know what they are doing.  First of all, they marry into a full time childcare situation. Second, when one wife isn’t “in the mood” they have another wife take care of business. Third you don’t even have to be attractive to be a sister wife, its a free market economy.

Octomom…well her whisker biscuit needs to organize a union strike or sit-in or burn some bras or in this case, eggs, if you ask me.

Amber.

So Sister Wives wins this mud wrestling match. Mainly because they could tag team with each other.

Z: Wait so it’s being a sister wife vs. Amber AND Octomom? Like combined? How is this even a fair fight? I can either be another notch on the harem totem pole, or I can be an abrasive, abusive teenage mother with luscious lips and the ripest baby maker on the face of the earth. That combination is like the ultimate human venus fly trap. The gift that keeps on giving.

Teen Mom/Octomom combination hands down.

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Can you suggest some good literotica for my reading pleasure? And do not say literotica.com.

October 21, 2010 § 1 Comment

L: This is all dependent on your personal taste, but here is a list of my top ten:

Going Rogue by Sarah Palin
All and any Bill O’Reilly books
The Bible…specifically the Garden of Eden part. I think that is what it is called.
Paula Dean Cook Books
http://www.celibacy.info/
Animal Farm by George Orwell
http://www.mjblige.com/
Eleanor Roosevelt: A Biography by Cynthis M. Harris
Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly by Anthony Bourdain
Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

I am usually opposed to literotica, because not everyone can read, but these are my all-time favorites.

Z: While I do love reading gently used erotic literature, my real passion is writing my own, Mad Lib-style. I’ll write a story in a moment of exhilarating creativity, after which I spray the paper with Stetson and lovingly place it in a lavender scented envelope. I like to let them age for a minimum of 6 months in the freezer, and by the time I take them out, I have inevitably forgotten what they are about. It’s like a combination of the best aspects of Christmas and Alzheimer’s.

Here’s a story I just pulled out today. It still smells faintly of raw masculinity and the gentle scent of a woman. Pure sex.

Doug, a strapping young (race/ethnicity) man, picked up the (building material) in his big, burly hands. “(Something you say when you’re lifting a heavy object),” he exclaimed, as he carried it across the construction site. Looking to the (direction on a compass), he saw a stunningly beautiful woman with enormous (synonym for breasts). Without a word, Doug dropped what he was carrying and walked over to this mysterious woman. Then they had sex.

Clean up, aisle Zach.

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How do I meet guys who aren’t assholes? I’ve tried guys from class, guys from the library, guys from bars, guys from parties (there aren’t any other places, right?) anyway, they all end up being selfish pricks. and don’t tell me try women. HALP!

October 20, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: You said it sister. I have the SAME problem. I’ve tried meeting people in the exact same situations using my  introduction technique, but reactions typically range from dumbfounded silence to fear.  I’m not sure what the deal is with these people; I think I just run with an uptight crowd.

The only advice I have for you is this: lower your standards. We all want the best, but sometimes the best comes with constant bouts of a supposedly extinct disease, or deep seated attachment issues that you would otherwise have no interest in dealing with.

Just remember – everyone who goes on safari wants to bag a lion, but it can be just as exciting to bring home a giraffe with two heads.

L: I beg to differ with Zach. When I go on a safari I am looking to bag blood diamonds. I don’t need no stinkin lion. But if we are on the subjects of lions, lions make the lionesses hunt while they sit on pride rock and get fat and have a bird do all their dirty work. And 2 headed giraffes, in my experience, are too eager. There needs to be a some middle ground in the prideland.  I suggest getting on myspace. Thats where I met the middle ground man in my life. Oh and make sure you never meet them in person. Pure bliss.

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