My friend has been talking mad shit about me behind my back. I want to get revenge on her. What do you guys suggest?

October 27, 2010 § 1 Comment

L: To get you in a certain mind frame, you’ll need to watch Mean Girls first and foremost, followed by Pearl Harbor and V for Vendetta. Then watch Mulan as a cool down.

Watching these will have surely led you to the following specific plan of attack (and because people love lists, I am going to please the masses):

1. Start out by stealing her purse. Make sure her phone and birth control are in it.
2. Call her work, pretending to be her and say you are quitting because the manager was sexually harassing you and you were beginning to like it, and didn’t want to mix pleasure with business.
3. Then email all of her teachers and ask them to withdraw her from all of her classes due to intestinal problems.

Now she is jobless and screwed academically. Obviously, she is going to put up a Facebook status when she starts figuring this out. Make sure you send your condolences.
Now it is time to bring out the big guns.

4.Text her bf and say, “Hey I am sorry to do this over text, but you have never given me an orgasm and faking it has become a part time job. And to be quite honest, your O face makes me want to jump off a bridge. You could take a lesson or two from your brother…or father for that matter.”

Jobless, Schoolless, Boyfriendless.

5. Take her out to dinner to help cheer her up. She will make accusations about who it could be. Agree with everything she says.
6. Get her drunk. This will be easy, considering her pathetic existence.
7. Take her home. When her parents ask what happened, (I’m assuming she comes from a conservative Christian family) tell them, “She has been really confused lately. Tonight she told me that she loved me and not just in a friend kind of way. Not only that, but she dropped all of her classes and broke up with her bf. She told me not to tell you, but I am concerned. Oh and she bought a pro-choice bumper sticker the other day.”
8. For la piece de resistance, tearfully look her mother in the eye and say, “I just want my friend back.”

If everything goes to plan, she will be talking shit about you in a place that serves Clonazepam for breakfast.

Z: As a general rule, I dislike sweeping, unequivocal statements about entire groups of people. That’s how we establish and perpetuate damaging racial stereotypes and reinforce patriarchal gender roles for young boys and girls. However, I have opened my eyes to the horror of girls, thanks to hard-hitting Hollywood journalism.

Before I first watched Mean Girls, I used to think it was just a documentary about Lindsay Lohan’s rise to fame after she moved to the U.S. from Africa. Then I saw it, and I found out that it is instead a documentary about Lindsay Lohan’s struggle with high school cliques and evil teenage girls after she moved here from Africa. Surely, I thought to myself, not all girls are like this. I was wrong. Unequivocally, all girls are catty, conniving creatures hell-bent on emotional cannibalism and the social destruction of everyone in their paths. Their end goal remains a mystery to me, but I think the meanest girls get to marry abusive car salesmen and gain the most weight before they hit 30. To the victors go the spoils.

Was this an anomaly, another strange occurrence in the life of Lohan? All questions in my mind were dispelled by the fantastic documentary series called Jersey Shore. Rivaled only by Entourage and the classic Baywatch in the accuracy of its portrayal of the human struggle, Jersey Shore follows a group of young people with very late developing infant carotenosis as they do nothing for months at a time. A recurring theme throughout the documentary is how much girls suck, which is readily apparent in the everyday happenings of its three female characters, Jwoww, Sammi, and Angelina, and their pet dog Snickerdoodle aka Snooki. I highly recommend you check it out.

My point is that you don’t need my help thinking of revenge. As a teenage girl/young woman, vindictiveness is hardwired into your personality. I have no doubt that whatever you come up with will be infinitely more devastating and socially crippling than anything I could ever think of. I am anti-bullying, and I fear for what you are about to do.


Submit questions anonymously here.


Tagged: , , , , ,

§ One Response to My friend has been talking mad shit about me behind my back. I want to get revenge on her. What do you guys suggest?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

What’s this?

You are currently reading My friend has been talking mad shit about me behind my back. I want to get revenge on her. What do you guys suggest? at Laura and Zach.


%d bloggers like this: