Zach, I’ve noticed that your girlfriend is not only brilliant, successful, utterly hilarious, and the coolest chick I’ve ever met, but is also ridiculously hot. How the hell did you pull that off, you little bastard? Can I bag your future bridesmaids?

October 25, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: As any guy in my position can attest, outkicking your coverage is a skill. Few have the necessary tools and traits to pull it off. This is not the first time I’ve been approached for advice on this subject, and luckily for you, I have written a guide for those interested in getting into the hobby.

How to Outkick Your Coverage by Zach

1. Be significantly less attractive than her. That’s kind of the point.
2. Be funny or smart. Preferably both. Because she’s not sticking around for your devastatingly average looks.
3. Be nice. Whoever came up with ‘nice guys finish last’ forgot to include ugly assholes in the race. Besides, that Green Day song sucks.
4. Be quirky. I’ve found a love of cats and an academic obsession with black people works well. But don’t copy – find your own idiosyncrasies.

See, just four easy steps and you’re own your way to making better looking dudes jealous and inspiring countless guys whose best attributes are their wit and extensive iTunes libraries.

The bottom line is this: You just need to find someone as weird as you.

As for the bridesmaids, I only have two requests for my wedding. One is that Kanye West is there to perform Gold Digger (as an ode to my sugar mama). The second is that someone (bride excluded, for the love of all that is good and merciful) gets pregnant before it’s all said and done. If you’re willing to take on that challenge, then go for it. But knowing the pool of potential bridesmaids, you’re in for a fight.

L: Me being the babe that I am, would also like to add that it’d be nice if he can cook and clean. Making lots of money doesn’t hurt either. Also, go for the girl who is really pretty but doesn’t know it. Those kinds are suckers for attention from anyone. Shalom.

Submit questions anonymously here.

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