I recently fell head over heels for a Mexican.. but they have such bad reputations in America, I’m embarrassed to introduce him to any of my friends or family! hellpp

October 22, 2010 § 1 Comment

Z: Ah, xenophobia. One of my favorite American pastimes, up there with baseball and living beyond your means. It’s a shame that love can be dictated by our fears of people who don’t look like ourselves. If you know for certain that your parents will not approve of your charming Mexican love interest, I’m afraid you’ll have to resort to secret rendezvous in places they will surely never find you. I recommend libraries, abortion clinics, NBA arenas, and Whole Foods.

However, I think your worries may be slightly overblown. For the sake of this argument, we’ll assume you come from white, God fearing, red-blooded American stock. Your dad may have hit your mom once or twice over the years, but he didn’t mean it. There is a science-backed hierarchy of these parents’ worst fears regarding who their son or daughter brings home for dinner. It is as follows (and I have included examples of reactions you can expect from your dad):

1. Any person whose sexual orientation or gender will require extra explanation to 95 year old home-bound Grandma when your mom shows her pictures from the wedding

2. Anyone your dad will know in his patriotic heart of hearts is a terrorist with the worst intentions for you, God, and country

3. People with red hair (your dad will assume that he or she is Catholic, and he hasn’t trusted Catholics since JFK was elected to office. Although he was only 7 at the time.)

4. Hippies, or any registered Democrat (tomayto, tomahto)

5. A member of any historically oppressed non-East Asian racial or ethnic minority group. Your dad will ‘joke’ that he or she is just there for a free meal, and to break the tense silence, will follow up by asking for food stamps in exchange for your mother’s lasagna.

6. Any person of East Asian descent. Pops will ask about life ‘back in the Orient’ at least once. Things will get awkward sometime around his 5th after-dinner High Life when he jokingly asks if they have any opium he can buy, and even more so after his 8th when he asks again, only this time he means it and he’s looking to score.

Best of luck, and take solace in knowing how difficult it’s going to be for your other half to convince his parents that you are not just another ignorant, arrogant American.

L: I hate following Zach in the talent show.

Submit questions anonymously here.

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