Why do my pet fish keep dying? What happens to fish when they die?

October 21, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: I’m sorry for your loss. I once had two goldfish die within four hours of getting them home (RIP Babs and Buster ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG). Chalk their passing up to negligence – I have reason to believe that their miniature castle’s paint was lead based, making China directly responsible for their deaths. The courts, however, disagreed.

No one really knows why fish die. There are a lot of unanswered questions out there in this crazy thing we call life. Fucking magnets, how do they work? Except if you’re putting your fish in bottles of vodka. That will kill the hell out of them.

And where do they go when they die? The easy answer is to the great estuary in the sky, where the riverbed is artificial and neon, and food flakes fall from the heavens at your request.

The correct answer, however, is to landfills, sewage treatment centers, and industrial factories to be ground into fishmeal to feed livestock. That’s why I had my fish cremated.

L: Fish become or take part in: sushi, lipstick, catfood, some hair products, condoms, etc.
Your pet fish are probably dying on purpose aka marine suicide. Look it up. Anyone that has pet fish is either hideous, has greasy hair, is a close talker, or has a high pitched voice. This excludes Zach, because he is funny. Your fish would rather be dead, made into paste, and added to the latex in condoms than have to look at your unfortunate mug for the rest of its characteristically short life. Think about where condoms go. Think about it. Get a pet that doesn’t mind looking at you, like a bulldog.

Submit questions anonymously here.

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