I’m having a quarter life crisis. I’m just not where I thought I would be at age 25. What should I do?

October 21, 2010 § 1 Comment

L: The first question you must ask yourself is where do you think you are supposed to be at 25? Then you must lower your expectations. Lowering your expectations helps in finding yourself. So does getting a vibrator.

The real issue is the pressure of society to be constantly successful and all knowing. Which is a WASP ideal, and WASPs need to be swatted. I didn’t plan on going to 5 different colleges, but you know what? It makes me seem like an outgoing person who loves new experiences. Which is a lie of sorts. Take things you have done that aren’t exactly “successful” and turn them into successes.

For example: You have slept with 50+ people. Ideally, you should get tested and go to a counselor about your daddy issues. But then again, this makes you a people person, someone to take home. Not necessarily to mom and dad, but that is beside the point. You are someone that is easy to talk to. You are up for doing anything, and spontaneity is always a plus. And you have lots of “friends.” You have a lot of life experience. Your rather disgustingly insecure exsistence is now something to use in the “Strengths” section of your Applebees application instead of the “Weaknesses.”

What I am getting at here is that your life may be a Fig Newton, but a Fig Newton while high or drunk, with a few embellishments, is a Harry and David chocolate truffle. Use what you have to your advantage. Obama did.

Z: Quit complaining and go backpack through southeast Asia. You’ll either come back with a renewed sense of purpose and a hot Thai wife, or with recurring psychotic episodes thanks to that poisonous frog you licked with a tribe in Borneo. Your family and friends already think you’re a disappointment, so you don’t have much to lose either way.

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