Dear Laura and Zach…. there is this class (well pretty much all of my classes) im taking this semester, and im having trouble paying attention, what do i do?!
October 19, 2010 § Leave a comment
Z: You’re probably a freshman, and you’re likely worried now that you got a D on your first midterm. I bet it feels like your world is crashing down around you, and dozens of questions are racing through your head. Should you even be in college? What will your parents say? HOW WILL YOU BECOME A WORLD FAMOUS PHOTOJOURNALIST FOR NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC NOW??
Take a deep breath, experiment with illicit substances for the first time, and relax. It happens. Rather than worry so much about how you can’t stay focused on school, take that energy and channel it into other college-y pastimes that are much more rewarding. Watch the Big Lebowski for the first time and decide that your new life goal is to be the Dude. Try to grow a beard. Fail. Keep growing it until you look like a demented real life Wooly Willy. Join an all-male a cappella group thinking it’ll be a good way to meet girls. You might even want to get really into Dave Matthews Band and post lyrics in your Facebook status to show your high school friends how sophisticated you’ve become. Before driving home for Thanksgiving break, change your status to anything remotely love-related by Dave Matthews and there’s a 100% chance you at least get to second base with your old girlfriend who you broke up with a week before college started. I don’t know why it works, but I’m not here to argue. It’s science, and that’s the kind of education you(r parents) can be proud to pay for.
P.S. If your classes are really that boring, consider approaching them in a different light by giving them catchy new course titles. Example – instead of calling it Freshman English, think of it as Meeting Potential Drunk Hookups. Which sounds better: A. “BLEH. Dude I DO NOT want to go to Freshman English today.” or B. “Alright Bro Montana, I’m going to go Meet Potential Drunk Hookups now. Hit me up about frisbee later.”? I thought so.
L: Start sleeping with ALL of your professors. I am starting to sound like a broken record player.
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