what would you do if one of your roommates cooked really .. pungent food? food that makes your apartment, your furniture and your clothes smell RANCID. my friends won’t come over anymore because it smells so bad, i’m embarrassed to bring new people over and i literally want to projectile vomit all over the place every time i come in here. she’s really nice, and we realize we can’t rightfully say “your ethnic food smells like shit so please stop cooking it” .. but it is honestly making the place almost uninhabitable. thoughts?

October 18, 2010 § 1 Comment

Z: This is what they were talking about when they said the terrorists were going to bring the fight to us. One second we’re Predator Droning them inside-out in Afghanistan, and the next we’re staving off cultural invasion on the culinary front. I’m personally raising the terror warning level from Code Orange Chicken to Code Red Curry. It’s time to get Department of Homeland Security on her ass.

You have 3 options:

1. Diplomacy – Ask her why she hates freedom, and hang a homemade banner across the kitchen doorway that says DON’T BREAD ON ME.

2. Pacif(aggressive)ism – Nothing says ‘you smell’ like a string of those tree-shaped air fresheners hung around the kitchen like Christmas lights. In fact, use red and green ones to remind her that this is a Christian nation founded on Christian principles.

3. Mutual Annihilation – Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire and take the war to them. Fry all of your food in pig lard. Your kitchen will smell like sweet liberty, overpowering anything her third world cooking repertoire has to offer. Your eventual obesity will only drive home to her that nothing can defeat us except type 2 diabetes. And at least that’s made in America.

L: I am pretty sure Zach’s advice is solid, but incase this girl is completely inept, i suggest an 8 step program:
Step 1: get naked
Step 2: paint your body as the American flag
Step 3: go in her room and stand in the corner with the lights off
Step 4: wait for her to open the door and turn the light on
Step 5: begin to recite the Pledge of Allegiance
Step 6: then give her a hug
Step 7: as you exit, throw a burnt hog dog at her face.
Step 8: repeat this everyday

Submit questions anonymously here.

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You are currently reading what would you do if one of your roommates cooked really .. pungent food? food that makes your apartment, your furniture and your clothes smell RANCID. my friends won’t come over anymore because it smells so bad, i’m embarrassed to bring new people over and i literally want to projectile vomit all over the place every time i come in here. she’s really nice, and we realize we can’t rightfully say “your ethnic food smells like shit so please stop cooking it” .. but it is honestly making the place almost uninhabitable. thoughts? at Laura and Zach.

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