Lately I’ve had a very strong urge to get pregnant and have a baby but logically I know this would be a bad time for me to raise a child. Should I suppress this urge or act on it? And if I should suppress it then how would I go about doing that?

October 29, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: Perhaps I’m too young and male to provide sound advice, but I just don’t think it’s ever a good time to have a baby. Babies are living, breathing garbage disposals full of poop and breast milk who devour your money and dreams (if you the reader have a child, pretend you didn’t read that. I’m sure your child is great.) Much like pyramid schemes, they will inevitably leave you emotionally and financially destitute. Why I wasn’t aborted, I’ll never know. Big ups though, mom and dad.

If you need help suppressing your (in my opinion) irrational desire to procreate and experience the joys of raising a child, make a list of your future plans and the things you like to do. Then laugh/cry bitterly, cross everything out, and write new and improved baby plans.

1. Travel extensively throughout the world
2. Vacation in exotic places
3. Go on fun dates and have a vibrant social life

1. Take the family to Grandma’s house
2. Take the family to Grandma’s house
3. Take the family to Grandma’s house

Do you see a pattern?

Maybe I’m just too self-centered and shallow (I am).  Have a baby if you want to. I don’t recommend it, but who am I to tell you otherwise? Here, I’ll even help you think of a name. How about Ponzi?

L: In the words of my gynecologist, “Babies are not the answer, but Xanax sure as hell is.”

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My friend has been talking mad shit about me behind my back. I want to get revenge on her. What do you guys suggest?

October 27, 2010 § 1 Comment

L: To get you in a certain mind frame, you’ll need to watch Mean Girls first and foremost, followed by Pearl Harbor and V for Vendetta. Then watch Mulan as a cool down.

Watching these will have surely led you to the following specific plan of attack (and because people love lists, I am going to please the masses):

1. Start out by stealing her purse. Make sure her phone and birth control are in it.
2. Call her work, pretending to be her and say you are quitting because the manager was sexually harassing you and you were beginning to like it, and didn’t want to mix pleasure with business.
3. Then email all of her teachers and ask them to withdraw her from all of her classes due to intestinal problems.

Now she is jobless and screwed academically. Obviously, she is going to put up a Facebook status when she starts figuring this out. Make sure you send your condolences.
Now it is time to bring out the big guns.

4.Text her bf and say, “Hey I am sorry to do this over text, but you have never given me an orgasm and faking it has become a part time job. And to be quite honest, your O face makes me want to jump off a bridge. You could take a lesson or two from your brother…or father for that matter.”

Jobless, Schoolless, Boyfriendless.

5. Take her out to dinner to help cheer her up. She will make accusations about who it could be. Agree with everything she says.
6. Get her drunk. This will be easy, considering her pathetic existence.
7. Take her home. When her parents ask what happened, (I’m assuming she comes from a conservative Christian family) tell them, “She has been really confused lately. Tonight she told me that she loved me and not just in a friend kind of way. Not only that, but she dropped all of her classes and broke up with her bf. She told me not to tell you, but I am concerned. Oh and she bought a pro-choice bumper sticker the other day.”
8. For la piece de resistance, tearfully look her mother in the eye and say, “I just want my friend back.”

If everything goes to plan, she will be talking shit about you in a place that serves Clonazepam for breakfast.

Z: As a general rule, I dislike sweeping, unequivocal statements about entire groups of people. That’s how we establish and perpetuate damaging racial stereotypes and reinforce patriarchal gender roles for young boys and girls. However, I have opened my eyes to the horror of girls, thanks to hard-hitting Hollywood journalism.

Before I first watched Mean Girls, I used to think it was just a documentary about Lindsay Lohan’s rise to fame after she moved to the U.S. from Africa. Then I saw it, and I found out that it is instead a documentary about Lindsay Lohan’s struggle with high school cliques and evil teenage girls after she moved here from Africa. Surely, I thought to myself, not all girls are like this. I was wrong. Unequivocally, all girls are catty, conniving creatures hell-bent on emotional cannibalism and the social destruction of everyone in their paths. Their end goal remains a mystery to me, but I think the meanest girls get to marry abusive car salesmen and gain the most weight before they hit 30. To the victors go the spoils.

Was this an anomaly, another strange occurrence in the life of Lohan? All questions in my mind were dispelled by the fantastic documentary series called Jersey Shore. Rivaled only by Entourage and the classic Baywatch in the accuracy of its portrayal of the human struggle, Jersey Shore follows a group of young people with very late developing infant carotenosis as they do nothing for months at a time. A recurring theme throughout the documentary is how much girls suck, which is readily apparent in the everyday happenings of its three female characters, Jwoww, Sammi, and Angelina, and their pet dog Snickerdoodle aka Snooki. I highly recommend you check it out.

My point is that you don’t need my help thinking of revenge. As a teenage girl/young woman, vindictiveness is hardwired into your personality. I have no doubt that whatever you come up with will be infinitely more devastating and socially crippling than anything I could ever think of. I am anti-bullying, and I fear for what you are about to do.


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I would totally bone your girlfriend?

October 27, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: Conflicts of interest are inevitably going to arise in my blogging career. That’s just the nature of the beast. Still, I feel that it is my duty to give you a few pointers on how to get it in with my girlfriend. Be aware that my rules about outkicking your coverage do not apply in this case. I have that on lockdown. Instead, you’ll have to meet one of two highly selective criteria.

1. Be Justin Timberlake
2. Be young Josh Hartnett

If you fit either criterium, that’s cool. I’m down with taking a few hours off so she can go frolic in happy fantasy land. But in exchange, I’ll need you to tweet the ever loving shit out of this blog. And hook me up with Natalie Portman. Otherwise you can kiss your chances bye, bye, bye.

L: Been there, done Katherine, mutha fuckaaaa. Ok but seriously, I have.

Submit questions anonymously here.

HELP! I’m set to get married in a week to a great guy I love but another man I’ve secretly wanted for years told me he loves me too. I can see myself with either of them. What should I do??

October 26, 2010 § 1 Comment

L: What we have on our hands is potentially a new reality show: Brother Husbands. Polygamy is the new black. And everyone looks good in black. If you are a conformist and don’t agree with that lifestyle, then sorry. I don’t give advice to people who hate human rights and fun, except when paid. (personal checks and babies are accepted, but cash in small bills is preferred.)

Also see this advice.

Z: If this was a movie, you’d run off with the bad boy turned auto mechanic with the heart of gold who you’ve had a crush on since high school, leaving the loving but fatally neglectful career man at the altar. Don’t. You aren’t Julia Roberts, and this isn’t one of the many shitty movies where she seems to do this.

Instead of getting your jollies by picturing the other dude as some Billy the Badass Biker character, think of him as nothing more than his low credit score and Certificate of Completion from ITT Tech’s six month online course in Vending Machine Engineering. He may have a five year plan and a list of priorities, but he’s got you pegged at #3 behind his Harley named Rhonda and a burgeoning amphetamine addiction. Few things scream love quite like meth mouth.

Look, you’re no longer a horny sixteen year old girl. Get your own priorities straight. Think more Pretty in Pink, less Breakfast Club. Marry the guy you know you should. You won’t always be happy, but at least you won’t ever come home from work to discover that he sold the fridge to his dealer.

Submit questions anonymously here.

Zach, I’ve noticed that your girlfriend is not only brilliant, successful, utterly hilarious, and the coolest chick I’ve ever met, but is also ridiculously hot. How the hell did you pull that off, you little bastard? Can I bag your future bridesmaids?

October 25, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: As any guy in my position can attest, outkicking your coverage is a skill. Few have the necessary tools and traits to pull it off. This is not the first time I’ve been approached for advice on this subject, and luckily for you, I have written a guide for those interested in getting into the hobby.

How to Outkick Your Coverage by Zach

1. Be significantly less attractive than her. That’s kind of the point.
2. Be funny or smart. Preferably both. Because she’s not sticking around for your devastatingly average looks.
3. Be nice. Whoever came up with ‘nice guys finish last’ forgot to include ugly assholes in the race. Besides, that Green Day song sucks.
4. Be quirky. I’ve found a love of cats and an academic obsession with black people works well. But don’t copy – find your own idiosyncrasies.

See, just four easy steps and you’re own your way to making better looking dudes jealous and inspiring countless guys whose best attributes are their wit and extensive iTunes libraries.

The bottom line is this: You just need to find someone as weird as you.

As for the bridesmaids, I only have two requests for my wedding. One is that Kanye West is there to perform Gold Digger (as an ode to my sugar mama). The second is that someone (bride excluded, for the love of all that is good and merciful) gets pregnant before it’s all said and done. If you’re willing to take on that challenge, then go for it. But knowing the pool of potential bridesmaids, you’re in for a fight.

L: Me being the babe that I am, would also like to add that it’d be nice if he can cook and clean. Making lots of money doesn’t hurt either. Also, go for the girl who is really pretty but doesn’t know it. Those kinds are suckers for attention from anyone. Shalom.

Submit questions anonymously here.

I’m in desperate need of your advice that will greatly impact the future of my dearly beloved child. What Halloween costume from this list should we dress ze up as?

October 25, 2010 § Leave a comment

Z: And the debate over Halloween costumes for babies rages on. Personally, I don’t see much of a difference between this argument and the disagreement over the sanctity of life. If he could speak, would your precious offspring consent to being dressed up like a prop from Cirque du Soleil? I don’t know the answer to that, but I think putting junior in a Baby Gaga costume is going to draw some protesters to your doorstep.

This feels like one of those multiple choice questions on a history exam that has ‘E. None of the Above’ as an answer. Even if you have no idea what year the Protestant Reformation began, as soon as you see that E. is an option, you know there’s a 70% chance you’re getting the question right. In this case, ‘None of the Above’ is 100% correct. Babies are not accessories. Buy a new purse, or get a pomeranian you can dress up in a tutu. Consider getting vajazzled.

While I may not have any children of my own (for the good of humanity), here’s a rule for young parents that I think we can all agree on: keep your kid out of a costume until he has enough teeth and fine motor skills to eat a Butterfinger under his own power. It will save you a little money, and protect him from the embarrassment of having his first girlfriend find pictures of him dressed like a Peep. And that’s change we can believe in.

L: I disagree with Zach on this one. I think dressing babies up comes with the territory. Personally, if I have to push a human being out of my hoo-ha, I will dress it up as much as possible. I like the idea of a baby burrito, with extra guac, with a side of chips and queso. Use real ingredients.

Submit questions anonymously here.

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